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ME, GRIMLOCK, NEED YOU, ENGINEER!

ME, GRIMLOCK, WORKING ON … THING.

IT REQUIRE GENIUS BACKEND DEV/ARCHITECT PERSON. NO TIME FOR ME, GRIMLOCK, DO ON OWN.

IF YOU, PUNY HUMAN, THINK YOU CAN THROW RIGHT KIND OF LIGHTNING FROM FINGERTIPS TO APPLY FOR DO, EMAIL AWESOME ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS TO DEV AT SIGN FAKEGRIMLOCK.COM.

 

QUESTION 1:
IF ME, GRIMLOCK, TELL YOU US GOING TO BUILD TWITTER OR FACEBOOK TYPE THING FROM SCRATCH, BUT DO IT RIGHT, HOW YOU DO THAT? GIVE AS MUCH DETAIL AS YOU THINK REQUIRED TO PROVE YOU KNOW WHAT TALKING ABOUT AND NOT JUST SOME IDIOT READ TECH CRUNCH ONCE.

 

QUESTION 2:

GIVE DETAILED ANSWER WHY NODE, SCALA, ERLANG, ROR OR OTHER HOT SEXY NEW THING ON HACKERNEWS BETTER FOR BUILD MASSIVELY SCALEABLE WEB THING THAN LANGUAGE THAT ACTUALLY WORK, LIKE JAVA.

INCLUDE DETAILS ON HOW IT WORK GREAT WITH FAVORITE DB THAT NOT MYSQL FOR BONUS POINTS.

 

QUESTION 3:

HOW MANY EMAIL/IM/BLOGGING/MESSAGING CLIENTS YOU BUILT FROM SCRATCH BEFORE? IF ANSWER IS ZERO, YOU PROBABLY FAIL. UNLESS YOU SO BALLS OUT AWESOME ANSWER IS “ZERO, BUT GIVE ME A FEW HOURS”.

 

QUESTION 4:

IMAGINE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO GOOGLE DATABASE. PSEUDOCODE OUT MOST EFFICIENT WAY POSSIBLE FOR DETERMINING WHICH ENGINEER THERE THOUGHT “WHY IS A MANHOLE COVER ROUND” A CLEVER INTERVIEW QUESTION, AND REPLACE HIS G+ PROFILE WITH TUBGIRL.

 

QUESTION 5:

WRITE EQUATION FOR DETERMINING YOUR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL VS. X NINJAS, TAKING INTO ACCOUNT LAW OF CONSERVATION OF NINJITSU (WITHOUT CONSULTING TVTROPES.COM), AND ASSUMING YOU ARE ARMED ONLY WITH 1 TOWEL.*

*TOWEL IS NOT VORPEL, EPIC, ENCHANTED, ADAMANTIUM, THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF TOWELS STOLEN FROM THE ENDLESS, THE TOWEL OF VECNA, FROM PRE-CRISIS KRYPTON, OR SECRETLY THE TZEMISCE ANTIDELUVIAN.

 

SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY:

THIS PROBABLY ONLY FOR PUNY HUMANS IN AMERICA, LOTS BETTER IF ON EAST COAST. ME, GRIMLOCK, NO WANT TO HAVE TO GO TOO FAR IF YOU SCREW UP, NEED TO BE DEVOURED. BUT IT POSSIBLE BE CONVINCED OTHERWISE FOR SUFFICIENT AWESOME.

THIS ALSO NO HAVE GIANT PILE OF MONEY ATTACHED YET. ME, GRIMLOCK, BELIEVE IN LINE UP RIGHT TEAM, BUILD MVP BEFORE TELL VC TO EMPTY OUT VAULTS. NO GET EXCITED AND QUIT DAYJOB.

  • Ricfulop

    Can’t wait to see thing built from scratch!

    • FAKE GRIMLOCK

      BEST WAY SEE SOONER IS JOIN TEAM GRIMLOCK, BUILD IT!

  • http://twitter.com/kenjansen Ken Jansen

    This is quite possibly the most I have laughed and appreciated the great questions asked. The caveats for #5 make me think I should mail you #Bacon as a prize for best caveat ever.

    • FAKE GRIMLOCK

      ALL INTERVIEWS NEED TOWEL OF VECNA CLAUSE. IT JUST COMMON SENSE.

      • http://www.victusspiritus.com/ Mark Essel

        Nerd rage, it’s Vorpal, not Vorpel. Now you’re going to get a ton of applicants to your fight club cult with Vorpal Towels.

  • http://twitter.com/manuelmakris Emmanuel Makris

    WHAT IF NOT FROM SCRATCH AND ALREADY BUILT? IT ALMOST READY FOR DINOSAUR  EYES BUT YOU WILL NEED YOUR 3D GLASSES. 

    • FAKE GRIMLOCK

      ME, GRIMLOCK, NOT INTERESTED IN BEAT AROUND YOUR BUSH! SPILL BEANS OR ELSE!

      • http://twitter.com/manuelmakris Emmanuel Makris

        ME TELL YOU FIRST OF ALL, B4 ANYONE ELSE IN TECH COMMUNITY. 2 CONDITIONS. 1-YOU WAIT 2 MORE DAYS, AND  2-YOU TELL ME WHICH MIDWEST CITY THAT THEIR ARE STILL DINOSAURS IN. 1- NEED 2 MORE DAYS OF TWEAKING, 2 MAKE SURE LAZER IN WORKING ORDER, B4 SHOW YOU HOW AWESOME.  2- ME FROM MIDWEST AS WELL, LOOKING TO TAKE MY TEAM TO SEE DINOSAUR AND EAT BEST BACON, SO WE CATCH ON FIRE AS WELL!

        • FAKE GRIMLOCK

          1. ME PROBABLY FORGET ABOUT THIS BY THEN, SAME THING
          2. NONE. ALL DINOS MOVE TO COASTS. WANT BE ON FIRE, MOVE SOMEWHERE NOT SUCK.

  • http://knowabout.it/ falicon

    No time to apply (but kudos to thinking up questions that are VERY tempting to try and answer even if I don’t actually have the time resources to get involved right now)…can’t wait to see what you’re putting together (hopefully you can get it out into the world quickly for the rest of us to play with).

    Oh and I def. don’t have a ton of free time to commit to anything, but happy to try and pitch in/bounce tech. details around if want…just drop me a comment, email, or ping me on Twitter any time ;-)

    • FAKE GRIMLOCK

      ME, GRIMLOCK, SAY YOU ALL IN, OR YOU ALL OUT. NO HALF-STARTUPS!

      • http://knowabout.it/ falicon

        Yep, that’s what I meant…all out on execution, but all in on helping in any other way I can. Either way, rooting for ya and can’t wait to see what you’re building. :-)

  • Merredith

    I wish I were an engineer. I have nothing to offer but Bacon.  However, I have lots of talented engineer friends. Must test to see if they are puny pretenders who read TechCrunch or have real skills, before I send to the Robot Dinosaur however. Thanks for the screening questions.

    • FAKE GRIMLOCK

      START TAKING CLASSES!

  • http://engag.io/ William Mougayar

    ME LOOKING FOR SAME PUNY HUMANS AS YOU. GOOD THING WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT CITIES :>)

    • http://twitter.com/JonnySchnittger Jonathan Schnittger

      Internet is not city, Internet is everywhere :)

  • http://www.victusspiritus.com/ Mark Essel

    If you jumped through my ceiling and landed in my living room with the Kool Aid THING, I’d consider leaving my day job, stopping work on my side projects and shamelessly co-opting open source buzzword soup tools to BUILD IT. Until then I’m busy.

    But I really hope you guys crash through that ceiling.

  • shurikenjitsu

    1) grep http://secushare.org and dig WebID
    2) stick to Java and use Infinispan … or at least stick to the JVM
    3) -
    4) it’s probably a good idea that google engineers make sure their code doesn’t fall down, even if clumsy people around
    5) 1.0 as i know how to origami the towel into X shurikens

    sorry, not based in the US

  • FAKE GRIMLOCK

    MONTHS LATER, ALMOST EVERYONE REPLY TO THIS POST NOW STARTUP ROCKSTAR. COINCIDENCE? ME SAY NO. OR ELSE!

    • http://about.me/kirsten.lambertsen Kirsten Lambertsen

      Is it soup yet?

      • FAKE GRIMLOCK

        SOUP WHAT?

        • http://about.me/kirsten.lambertsen Kirsten Lambertsen

          Sorry :) I was wondering how your project (cited in this post) is coming along? As a fellow entrepreneur, I can’t help but be curious (and rooting for you).

          • FAKE GRIMLOCK

            IT GO ON HOLD, BECAUSE NEVER FIND ENGINEER MEET GRIMLOCK REQUIREMENTS.

  • GENUINEHAPPYKEY

    User.fetch(Google.database.query(“SELECT `question`.`user`.`id` FROM `questions` WHERE `question.text` LOOKS_LIKE %’WHY IS A MANHOLE COVER ROUND’% AND `question`.`user`.`type` = ‘ENGINEER’”).profile.picture.set(“tubgirl.png”).save();

  • http://borasky-research.net/about-data-journalism-developer-studio-pricing-survey/ M. Edward (Ed) Borasky

    QUESTION FIVE RIP-OFF OF OATMEAL? ;-)

    • FAKE GRIMLOCK

      ONLY IF “OATMEAL” MEANS “ALL NERD HUMOR EVER.”

      • http://borasky-research.net/about-data-journalism-developer-studio-pricing-survey/ M. Edward (Ed) Borasky

        You must admit the Oatmeal is a big chunk of nerd humor.

  • http://twitter.com/fijiaaron Aaron Evans

    Just in time, here is my application:

    Answer 1:
    Don’t do it at all. But if I must, it should be enterprise, secure, open source, freemium with lots of customer development and agile.

    Answer 2:
    Because if you don’t use some silly, unproven language stack to develop it, no one with any skill will want to work on it.

    It works great with MongoDB, Redis, Cassandra, BDB, flat file, and all other NoSQL DBs!

    Answer 3:
    I was going to say none, but I was reminded that at my first IT job where IM was forbidden I built intranet solution using DOS command NET SEND and python TK GUI in the year 2000.

    Okay, and I might have written a few blog apps, but it was just tutorials, I swear. And if fetchmail|procmail|sendmail counts as an email client, I’ve done that too.

    Answer 4:
    foreach employee in Google.employees
    if employee.former_employers.contains “Microsoft”
    employee.facebook.profile = fakegrimlock.desktop.background

    // former_employers does a map reduce on resume
    // facebook.com routes to an IP in the range [74.125.224.32 - 74.125.236.223] on google DNS servers

    Answer 5:
    have_towel = true
    return true

    // this highly specialized algorithm only applies to myself and bruce lee.
    // it could also apply to pirate voltron with the following slight modification:
    have_towel = true
    return have_towel